everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
