I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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