I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
