I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
