Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
