No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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