my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
