I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
