You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
