Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
