the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
