Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
