I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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