drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
