i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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