Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
