unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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