i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
