maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
