sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I need to calm my uterus...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
