fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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