My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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