Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize