Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
