you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
