if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
