please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
