my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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