Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Is Oprah even human
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
