How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
