Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
