i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
