I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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