**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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