I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
