i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
