he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
