hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
