He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize