watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
