Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
