I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
