while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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