I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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