she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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