she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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