I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize