What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
