I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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