I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
