why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
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