What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
