2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
