You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize