Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I enjoy the company of your penis
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
