you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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