i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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