i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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