That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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