Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize