ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
