Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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