i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
