My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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