it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
