Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
