i permit you to call me
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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