We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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