he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
